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Mommyhood: When We Don’t Have the Answers

October 9, 2020 /

While there are certain areas of being a mommy that come naturally to me, I definitely have some areas where I don’t know what the right answer is. Having children from the age of 2 (almost 3) to 14, there are certain things that I have learned but a lot that I struggle with. Am I too lenient? Am I too tough? I definitely believe in structure, consistency and a routine but a schedule is easy compared to figuring out how much privacy is too much for a teen or whether your child is hurt or faking it. I also wonder sometimes if I am tougher with one kid versus another. Today I wanted to share some of these struggles and maybe get some feedback from some of you all whose kids are a litle more grown about how you did certain things.

Teenage Years and Phones

I would say this is my top struggle: my oldest didn’t get a phone till this past year at the age of 13 and half. I have looked at his phone a few times and read texts, he is not on social media but I have not really searched his search history. What are some guidelines you have used with your kids? Any special apps you have used to see what they are doing. Phone is turned in at 8 pm usually but I feel I should know more what is going on. Teens do like to spend time in their rooms away from other, I have noticed. I am very grateful that my teen still plays occasionnally with his brothers and likes to hang out watching tv or playing a board game with me several times a week.

Is My Little One Hurt or Just Afraid?

I am very grateful none of my kids have had any serious injuries so far. They are not daredevils and usually don’t do risky things. As a mother of boys, my attitude is often to tell them to toughen up when they have a scrapes and nothing serious. Now last week, I was a little more worried about my little one. He fell off the dining room bench and the bench fell too (but not on him). For 4 days, he refused to stand on one of his foot. No swelling no bruising no obvious pain (tumbling on trampoline was fine, pushing off of things was fine but he refused to walk on one of his foot). Of course, I called the doctor and they said to keep an eye on his on the weekend and to come in on Monday. Since he still refused to walk on Monday we called in and went in. She said she doesn’t think anything is wrong, maybe a bruise on the bone but no broken bone (no swelling, no pain when pushed/moved) but to wait it out. Very hard to wait it out as he crawls around! Especially when we are going on a trip: a Walmart cheap stroller is going to be needed!

Motherhood sure is a adventure in trial and errors, mistakes and successes!

Should I Treat all the Kids the Same

My boys are 2, 6, 9 and 14. Now of course, bedtimes are different for the children, my oldest has more privileges and their chores are appropriate for their ages. Where I sometimes struggle is whether I let certain kids get away with more than others or whether I am quicker to judge or reprimand one or another. Each child is unique in his own way so I know certain things will work with one child versus another but showing more patience towards one child is not fair to the others. I think there are a few things to ask myself and do to become better at being a good mom:

  • think before reacting: count to 10, ask yourself whether the behavior is defiant, a reaction or warrants a punishment. Think before speaking and try to use a calm voice. I am really bad at raising my voice. I didn’t do that as a teacher of 20+ kids so I should be able to refrain myslef from yelling at my 4 kids.
  • think about what works for each child: one of my kids does much better with hugs and love than with me yelling at him. Another does better if left alone for a bit.
  • maybe have a family meeting to discuss “crime and punishment” for different behaviors. In taking an active role in their consequences, the children might be more in tune with their behaviors and what will happen with consequences.

Motherhood is a tough job. None of us has all of the answers but we can learn from each other and support each other. And we can learn to be better mother through our experiences and the will to become a better parent. So keep on mothering!

A bientôt!

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14 Comments

  • Joanne

    October 9, 2020 at 9:42 am

    I definitely struggle with this. My oldest son got a phone from his grandfather (I don’t even know how old he was!) but I remember struggling with thinking I still wasn’t sure I wanted him to have a phone. Then my middle son started high school this year and we felt like he needed a phone at 14. They both use them as alarm clocks so I don’t take them away at night but they know they can’t turn to them in the middle of the night and that I can and will take them away if need be. Both are pretty good about preferring to get as much sleep as they can anyway and don’t really have many friends that they text or talk to anyway– yet. I also know that I treat all 3 boys differently for sure. I too tend to be a suck it up kind of person and am kind of glad that my boys are all old enough now to speak up when they don’t agree- like when I debated about not going to the ER after Alec’s karate fall and he told me in no uncertain terms he thought he needed xrays. It can be so hard to know what to do at times!!

  • Kathrine Eldridge

    October 9, 2020 at 5:32 pm

    Motherhood is extremely tough! Dealing with screen time with my boys has been so difficult. My oldest is 18 so he can do what he wants now. I wish I would of set more boundaries with game time. We have that set up now for my younger son who is 15. He gets a certain amount of screen time each day. It doesn’t matter if it’s his phone, Xbox, or computer. He has learned how to manage his time because of this. Phone stays downstairs when he goes to bed. We use the Qustodio app to manage his phone. It’s love and boundaries my friend!

    https://www.kathrineeldridge.com

  • Marielle

    October 9, 2020 at 7:17 pm

    These really are some tough ones in parenting! I’m glad you’re asking because it’s helpful to hear what other parents are doing about these kinds of questions. For us, I think it’s helpful that our kids know that we don’t do everything the same for each child. In some ways we do as you mentioned, but it’s also helpful for them to recognize that “we all do different things at different times.” I think this helps with cutting down on comparison and them trying to keep everything “fair.” Again, thanks for asking these great questions! I’m visiting from the On the Edge link up today. Have a great weekend!

    • mimifce

      October 13, 2020 at 8:13 pm

      I will remember that “we all do different things at different time”. My 9 year old is struggling with that lately comparing himself to the 14 year old.

  • Shelbee on the Edge

    October 14, 2020 at 3:40 pm

    Parenthood is seriously the hardest and most underpaid (monetarily) job ever. I only have 2 and I struggle daily with all of these things. I think it really is a matter of trial and error. We are constantly adjusting and rewriting house rules and such. And I definitely respond differently to each kid because their personalities are so different. And yes, I get the whole “It’s not fair” yelled at me often, but this is a life lesson as well. There is no fairness in the world. Might as well learn that now, kids. Thanks for sharing your struggles and insights. I don’t know that I have anything profound or groundbreaking to offer other than…We’ve got this! In one way or another, we will raise these kids to be decent humans!

    Shelbee
    http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com

    • mimifce

      October 14, 2020 at 5:34 pm

      Yes, my first is kind of our guinea pig: we are figuring out some of the stuff with him and then I think it will be easier with the others! I hope!