Promoting Friendships for Your Children

Lately, the social and spiritual health of my children has been weighing on me. As parents, we guide our children as they grow from needing us for everything as babies, then growing into young children who need guidance and support and then into teenagers and young adults who crave independence but still need that guidance and support but maybe in a less obvious way. I have made many mistakes over the years, starting by being an impatient mom, giving too much independence, not enough, and expecting my kids to do certain things on their own but not realizing that they still need some scaffolding from me to become their own person in their faith as well as in developing friendships.

As I make mistakes with one child or another, I do learn my lessons (hopefully!) and tweak my parenting. Today, I wanted to focus on friendships and our kids social interactions. First of all, each child has his own individuality and preference for how much social time they want to have but even if one of your kids crave that alone time, being around other children and adults for part of the day is essential to their growth and mental well being. I have noticed a difference in my kids when they have some play time or hanging out time versus when they don’t. The difference in a child’s character probably will make a difference in how much time they need to be around others. For one child it might be an hour or two while another would love to be around friends and family all day long.

What are some ideas to help your child make friends or spend time with others?

• neighborhood kids: we are blessed to live in a cul de sac with about 6-7 other kids! The boys spend a lot of time playing outside especially during the good weather months. Having a few things like bikes, balls and a trampoline create opportunities for play. We have replaced about every part of our trampoline apart from the metal frame over the years and the money has been well spent. The trampoline has become a neighborhood hang out and they all enjoy time on it, from the youngest to the oldest. My teen definitely needs a little more prodding to go outside but I try to toss the football with him or take him on a run with me a couple times a week.
• make friends with parents: whether it is making friends with a parent or two at school or at church, being comfortable with the parents allows opportunities for playdates, outings and gatherings.
• allow your child to participate on school trips. My 10 year old just came back from a 3 day trip with his challenge (gifted) classmates: cabins, canoes, hikes and other fun helped in create more friendships.
• less electronics time! Spending less time in your room and devices causes you to figure out what to do with yourself and that often times means playing with others.
• take advantage of social media to find new friends: last year, I reached out in our neighborhood Facebook group to see if anyone wanted to play chess. I also have seen parents posting about meeting up at the playground.
• allowing our children do decide how much time they can hide in their room or house does not promote friendships and social skills. There needs to be a balance between that me time and time spent with others. Those skills will be important as an adult in the job force as well as even the ability to have a job and keep it. It takes practice to know how to interact with others in a positive manner.

Less electronics time? How do you do that?

One of the big changes I made in our house this year and am still working hard on is the time spent on electronics.

Here are some of the changes:

• be consistent with having all electronics being brought to my room around 9 PM
• have 1 or 2 times a day when kids can play electronics. In the summer, I played Nintendo with the kids. Did I always want to play with them? No, but it allowed my boys to be social with each other and me in a fun way.
• create opportunities for fun that do not involve electronics. We definitely are not consistent with playing board games, but I try to go outside with the boys (especially my teen) when they don’t feel like playing outside and playing with them. The other night we actually all played charades for 1 1/2 hours and had loads of fun. During the winter all of the boys love to have hot cocoa nights and I usually try to sneak in extra family time then.
• in our times, it is not an easy task to limit your child’s dependence on electronics as they are bombarded by them. Involving your kids in extra curricular activities can help. This summer the boys were enrolled in a couple of camps, tennis, art, running camp to name a few and yes, it took a toll on our budget but thankfully we were in  a position to do it. It made a big difference! If they cannot do camps, you can plan sleep over with friends or plan free outings regularly at nearby state parks.
• family time with hikes or weekend activities: they complain but they do end up liking them.
• vacations: they are ways to plan budget friendly vacations (I wrote several posts on that subject) and those vacations have been essential for our family to bond, recharge and take time away from social media and devices to enjoy the outdoors and each other. Yes, we do bring those devices with us but spend much less time with them when we have places to explore and enjoy.

I think for me I have come to realize that my parenting suffers when I become selfish: yes, it is important for me to take time for me (and I do by exercising and doing things for me) but I need to be present for my kids! That means that when they are off their electronics and want to talk to me, I listen. It means I put my phone down and make time for them. It means I play with them more even though I am not their playmate, creating those memories with them is important and I model the behavior and habits I want them to have. If I am on my phone and computer all the time when they are home, they are going to be confused why I want them to be off theirs and be social. I still need to work on this!

A bientôt!

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